60 Pounds Lost & Working on My Self Esteem

It has been about three years now since I started my weight loss journey &, at this point, I’ve lost 60 pounds. That may not sound like much for three years. But weight loss is rarely ever linear, my friend. 

Over the last few years, I have had major set backs, especially early in the game. After losing my first 40 pounds extremely quickly in 2013, I gained back 20 just as quickly. The problem was that I was doing everything to the absolute extreme until I just couldn’t handle it anymore. 

I hadn’t learned to do anything in moderation. Diet & exercise was “all or nothing.” So when  “all” got to be too much, I fell back into a pattern of “nothing.” That’s when I gained weight again. That’s also when I gained some major depression. 

So I eventually picked myself up & tried again. Slower & smarter. Since then, I’ve maintained a slow & steady weight loss. I am consistently moving forward in a positive direction.

The one thing that hasn’t been doing too well over the past three years in my self esteem. I’m a genuinely nice person to everyone around me. But when it comes to myself, I’m the meanest person you’d ever meet.

It doesn’t help that I have, what seems to be, some “body dysmorphia.” I, regardless of what my scale says or my clothing size is, see myself as about a thousand pounds. I have a hard time seeing myself in any normal, realistic perspective. 

Lately I’m becoming tired of dealing with my own bullying. I am trying to  change how I think. I am making it a point to look in the mirror every day & change how I see myself.

 I recently started watching YouTube videos by Sarah Rae Vargas. She makes body positive videos & she talks about her own struggles with her weight & self esteem. If you deal with those things, I highly recommend you look her up, as her videos have been helpful to me.

One thing Sarah recommends is to begin cutting out media that makes you feel inferior. She doesn’t read Cosmo & stare at the photoshopped models. She doesn’t watch the girls on YouTube who pretend they have perfect lives. She doesn’t consume content created with the intention of making the “average” person believe they need to be perfect. This is a plan I am beginning to put into place for myself.

Mostly, I am trying to stop basing my day-to-day happiness on what the scale has to say. I’ve been doing that for three years. Enough is enough. 

I am beautiful. I am a kind person. I am intelligent. I am an eloquent speaker. I am funny. I am more than my size & my weight. If anyone can’t see that, it is their problem, not mine. 

I am now working to lose, at least, another 40 pounds. It may take a while. But I’m not going to hate myself in the mean time. Right now, I am what I am. And that’s ok.


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