May is Mental Health Awareness Month & so I thought this would be an appropriate time to share a poem that I wrote last year in one of my darkest times. I share this poem so that if any of you read my words & relate to them, you know that you’re not alone. I also encourage you to know that it’s okay to ask for help if you’re experiencing these feelings, no matter what your size is. Eating disorders can happen to anyone at any size.
But My Bully Is Me
“I have a scale on my closet floor where I often sneak in & shut the door.
It’s there that I strip down & weigh my success or failure from yesterday.
I have a notebook where I write the calories counted from every bite.
I write my weight, then in big, bold letters, I angrily write, “you could have done better.”
I look in the mirror at at my stomach & thighs & the rest of my body that I despise.
I use my clothes as another measure; My self worth is based on the fit of my sweater.
I tug on my jeans to see if they’ll slip loosely down over my hips.
Three or four more times that day, I’ll check to see how much I weigh.
I think about how nice it’d be to be skinny & pretty & loved for me.
I think about how nice it’d be to stop being bullied… but my bully is me.”